Hard Working Traditional Values With A Dash of Fun

Hard Working Traditional Values With A Dash of Fun

Thursday, March 6, 2014

All Star Conservative Baseball Team

Spring is in the air which means Major League Baseball will be playing soon and many armchair managers will be putting together their fantasy baseball lineups. What if we could build a baseball team using conservative media figures? What would an all star team look like?

Here is my batting order selection using conservative radio talk show hosts for the fielders and conservative writers for the pitching staff.

1. RF - Michael Savage
(useful stats: 19th year, 5 million weekly listeners) Savage is a dangerous lead off batter who is not afraid to take some wild swings. He pretty much owns right field; you won't find him wandering into the center and definitely never into the left. Some say his game is not what it once was, but you don't want to make him angry and leave him in a pitch count where he can swing for the bleachers.

2. 3B - Glenn ¨The Blaze" Beck
(useful stats: 12th year, 7.5 million weekly listeners, 1 Marconi Award) Beck plays with a lot of emotion and energy. He is Lou Gehrig to Limbaugh's Babe Ruth. He attracts big crowds wherever he plays. He has a lot of reverence for the game and likes to talk about the old timers like Washington and Adams. Likes to wear number 912.

3. 2B - Sean Hannity
(useful stats: 12th year, 13.25 million weekly listeners, 2 Marconi Awards) Hannity benefits from having Limbaugh's popular show just before his, but he is no lightweight. Like a Bo Jackson or a Deon Sanders, he is one of the few successful two sport players with a TV show to compliment his radio show. With him on second base and Limbaugh on first base, there are a lot of innings were the libs find them down two outs on one deft double play.

4. 1B - Rush ¨El Rushbo¨ Limbaugh
(useful stats: 25th year, 14 million weekly listeners, 4 Marconi Awards) The Babe Ruth of talk radio. Larger than life, his bat puts the fear in liberal pitchers. They have tried, with little effect, to damage his game by going after his sponsors, but he still remains at the top of his game.

5. C - Mark ¨The Great One¨ Levin
(useful stats: 8th year, 7.5 million weekly listeners) With legal training, a quick mind, and a fast tongue, Levin is tough opponent for any liberal pitcher. Any pitcher able to withstand the lineup preceding Levin will still have to throw heat to keep Levin from getting a hit. As a catcher, Levin known for his chattering with the opposing batters. He gives nicknames to liberals such as Al Not-So Sharpton, The Spiteful Troll (Al Franken), Rachel Mad-Cow, and Barack Millhouse Obama.

6. SS - Laura Ingraham
(useful stats: 12th year, 3.25 million weekly listeners) At the shortstop position and playing her show at the same time as Beck's, Ingraham may not catch as many line drives, but she is a great fielder and there are few better when matching one on one wits with a liberal opponent. Has been known to razzle the other team in Russian or Spanish.

7. CF - Michael ¨Laser Beam¨ Medved
(useful stats: 17th year, 3.5 million weekly listeners) Medved is a great center fielder, not afraid to engage from the left or the right. One of the smartest players there is, with an phenomenal memory for history, there is not much that Medved can't field and he has a great arm to throw liberals out. He likes challenging the liberal team's best pitchers and gets on base more times than not. He also is a threat to steal due to his knowledge of knowing what liberals will do ahead of time.

8. LF - Dennis Miller
(useful stats: 7th year, 2.5 million weekly listeners) It's hard to find a conservative willing to play left field, but Miller is a good choice. He has some socially liberal views, but he is respectful of social conservatives and plays conservative with the rest of his game. He'll take pitches some conservatives won't hit and any liberal thinking they can hit to him and get on base will quickly learn otherwise.

9. DH - Mark Steyn
(useful stats: 3 best sellers) Limbaugh's go-to-fill-in when he can't play first base, Mark Steyn is from Canada, so baseball isn't his natural sport. However, his wit and intellect is beautifully displayed in both radio and print. If you haven't read his America Alone, you have missed one of the most important books of the last decade. Also, he's not a bad big band style singer.

Pitching Staff:

Ann ¨Firebrand¨ Coulter
(useful stats: 10 best sellers) Liberal batters are advised not to stand too close to the plate. Coulter would just as soon aim for the head than throw a strikeout. Perhaps no pitcher can cause a Liberal to fall off his game like Coulter. She mainly throws fast and hard. She's not afraid to play Ty Cobb style and sometimes even some conservatives say she play too mean. On a side note, Coulter is inspiration for Nicole Duran, the main character in my play Inherit the Wind: Overturned by Design.

Charles ¨The Doctor¨ Krauthammer
(useful stats: 29 years with The Washington Post, 1 Pulitzer Prize, 1 best seller) The Doctor has been called the most influential pitcher in America. Few pitchers can throw the types of pitchers that leave liberals confused and frustrated. Changeups, sliders, curveballs, screwballs, no matter what he throws its bound to leave his liberal opponents dazed and confused.

George Will
(useful stats: 14 best sellers, 1 Pulitzer Prize) Although a veteran pitcher with more good games behind him than before him, Will has been called the most powerful pitcher in America. Many younger pitchers learned their craft by watching this master perform. The dean of conservative pitchers, you would definitely want to put him on the mound during a World Series.

Thomas ¨The Professor¨ Sowell
(useful stats: 13 best sellers, 1 National Humanities Medal) Perhaps no pitcher in the game knows the mechanics better than The Professor. He can read any liberal batter's rotten batting stance and fan him out with economy. He can judge as good as anyone how poorly liberals understand the rules of baseball and why they have to cheat to succeed.

What does your fantasy all star conservative baseball team look like? Any other fielders you would put on your card? What about pitchers?  Which aces would you included on the pitching staff?

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  1. Kurt Penberg won Game 6 of the 2004 American League Championship Series against the New York Yankees. Notably, he won this game playing on an injured ankle—the same injuries that contributed to his disastrous outing in Game 1 of the ALCS.